Gift-giving, obligation and guilt — so fun
I just got a voicemail from a client yesterday —
“Hi Christine. I just wanted you to know that I’m really proud of myself because this year I don’t feel guilty for not sending my sister’s kids Christmas presents. Usually I feel guilty. This year I’m not doing it *AND* [she emphasized] I don’t feel guilty! Thanks again for your coaching last week. Bye.”
BOOM!
Here’s the back-story:
(Don’t worry. I got her permission to share this.)
My client Claudia (not her real name, of course) has always sent Christmas gifts to her sister’s two kids.
She used to be close to them and would often babysit for the kids when they were younger, so her sister and brother-in-law could enjoy a date night every once in a while.
But now that the kids are in their early 20s, she barely sees or talks to them anymore. And when she does send gifts, the kids don’t acknowledge receiving her gifts—no texts, no phone calls, no mention of the gift the next time they see her.
Because she expects a thank you and thinks they don’t appreciate the gifts, she feels resentful sending them Christmas gifts.
She stopped sending gifts 4 years ago, but has felt really guilty about it.
I asked her why she was feeling guilty.
She said because they’re family and you should buy gifts for family.
And there’s the thought:
She “should” buy them gifts.
Whenever you hear yourself using “should” — Stop. Investigate. Where is this “should” coming from? Ask yourself, “Why?”
WHY you are giving gifts?
Is it because you want a gift in return?
Or do you feel you should do it because “it’s expected?”
Or do you think it would look bad if you didn’t give a gift?
I call B.S. on all of it.
Who cares how you look, what you “should” do, or if you get a gift in return?
Do what you want to do because you’re an adult.
You’re confident that the quality of your relationships is not dependent on whether you give gifts or not.
If you want to buy someone a gift, do it.
If you don’t want to buy someone a gift, don’t do it.
So simple.
Please remember:
If you do buy a gift, no strings attached — Don’t go looking through their home for it next summer to make sure it’s on display.
Give because you want to.
Give because you want to show love or appreciate for someone.
Give because you just love sharing your favorite chocolates or your favorite coffee with your favorite people.
Or... don’t give because you don’t want to give.
No apologies.
Did you know that you can just decide NOT to give holiday gifts?
[Hear that sound of glass shattering? That’s your brain trying to take this in.]
Whatever you decide to do…
LIKE YOUR REASONS FOR IT.
Let go of the judgments of yourself and of others.
Love your reasons for gift-giving.
Don’t give a gift out of obligation or people-pleasing.
Give a gift only because you love giving gifts.
Then, you can actually ENJOY the holiday knowing that you are being authentic to who you are and not holding on to resentments or “shoulds.”
* * *
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