The real reason you feel bad sometimes
Are you blaming other people in your life for making you feel bad?
You blame your spouse for your messy house.
You blame your parents for “screwing you up.”
You blame a team member for not getting you [that thing] on-time.
You blame your boss for not giving you that promotion or raise.
You blame yourself for not being smart enough / cool enough / creative enough.
I’m thinking of this today, because yesterday…
Oh, yesterday—
Something went “awry” in the graphic design side of my business yesterday and it had me up last night at 2:58am… questioning and blaming (all in the name of making sure this doesn’t happen again).
“Was it the client’s fault for delivering the assets late?”
“Was it the designer’s fault for not keeping me in the loop when revisions came in?”
“Was it my fault for not anticipating this might happen? Was I a bad manager?”
I recognized pretty quickly that I was in the blame game.
Then, of course… I started blaming myself for blaming (how “meta”) —
“Maybe I’m being a perfectionist again and none of this really matters at all.”
It’s true. We’re not doctors. Nobody died. All is well now. But the drama. My drama.
First of all, I had to recognize (and OWN) that I was in drama.
It wasn’t the situation that was keeping me up at 3:00AM worrying and making me feel terrible.
It was *my thoughts* about the situation that were making me feel terrible.
It was all the drama I was attaching to this thing that happened that was making me feel terrible and worried.
Recognizing that — Zzzzzz — I was back to sleep.
Here’s something to consider when you catch yourself having lots of negative feelings about a situation
Recognize that you’re having a lot of thoughts about [that thing].
And those thoughts are just sentences in your brain. They’re just meanings you’re attaching to the circumstances of your life.
When we blame someone else for how we feel we are not taking responsibility for our own emotional life.
How often do you say things like…?
“She makes me so mad!”
“He makes me want to tear my hair out in frustration.”
Or even with good feelings...
“They make me so happy.”
“She” or “He” or “They” don’t make you feel anything.
(I know, I sound like that annoying kid in middle school.… You asked, “Can I borrow a pencil?” and they said, “I don’t know… CAAAAN you?” (because you were supposed to use “May I…?” — and then you kicked them in the shin before walking away.)
Anyway...
When we take responsibility for how we feel and what we do (tear our hair out, apparently), then we get all that beautiful power back.
You TOTALLY get to decide in all situations, no matter what happens around you, no matter who says what or does that thing, you get to decide how you want to feel.
Great news, right?
It means that if you feel upset about something, you can own it.
You can own that you just created a feeling with the thoughts you’re thinking.
Which means you can change those thoughts (if you want... with practice).
But the important thing is to recognize that YOU are responsible for all your own feelings.
Think about your life —
How do you make other people responsible for your feelings?
(It’s probably something your mom does, right?) ;)
* * *
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